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August 12, 2004
What's Been Goin' On, Part II
I don't want to make things out to be all bad re: the breakup. There were some great things that came out of it. I'm a very positive person by nature, so there's no way I'm gonna go thru a major life experience and not better myself in some way.
The break up made me evaluate who I was, what I was doing, and where I was going. I questioned everything about myself: from my taste in food to my taste in women; from my goals in school to my goals in life; and from my faith in myself to my faith in God. Seriously, I literally went to the grocery store, not knowing if what I thought I liked and didn't like was really correct. I remember going down one aisle one time, seeing cottage cheese, and drawing back because I thought I didn't like it. But, in all honesty, I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten cottage cheese, and didn't know if I had just been telling myself I didn't like cottage cheese, so I never would eat it. So, I bought some cottage cheese. And you know what? I actually like cottage cheese.
I know, stupid story, right? But it's a short summary of the whole situation. Kind of like.... that movie with Julia Roberts.... Grrr.... Runaway Bride. She didn't know how she liked her eggs cooked. She had always just liked whatever everyone else had liked. And at the end of the movie, she tried all the different types of eggs to find out how she liked her eggs cooked. That's how I view the breakup. It forced me to re-evaluate myself. It made me step back, look at my life and my decisions and see if I had made the right choices for myself, or if I had been making decisions based on what I thought others wanted me to do.
One of those major decisions that came out of the whole ordeal, and which partially contributed to my depression, was whether or not to continue on to get my Ph.D. Recently, I had been getting really down on myself regarding my research... I wasn't motivated like I should have been, I wasn't producing results like I should have been; my heart just wasn't in it. I discovered that I had partially been trying to get my phd because it's what 'I was supposed' to do. It's what my parents thought I should do. Society would look more highly upon me. Mel was gonna be going to grad school here, and if I stayed for my phd, we could be together here in gville. All bad reasons to do something.
So I looked at MY heart, MY goals, MY aspirations, MY abilities, MY gifts. I knew that I didn't like being in the lab all the time. I knew that if put in a group, I almost always emerged as the leader to get things done. I knew that I much preferred delegating than doing. I knew I wanted to be in control (oh yeah, I'm a control freak). I knew that if I were in the lab all the time, I would go insane and I wouldn't be putting my full abilities to the test. I have so much potential, so much ability, so much worth, I was just wasting it going for my phd. I also knew that I was growing to hate Academia. It was getting to where I couldn't stand it anymore. I had at least 3 professors/bosses telling me what to do. Each had their own goals for me and what research they wanted to get out of me. Finally, I decided to do what I wanted to do. I decided to just get my masters in materials engineering. I'm due to graduate in May. I'm also picking up my certificate in particle science and technology. UF's PS&T is trying to get a degree program started, so they made their first step towards it with offering a certificate program. I'm also applying to get into the MBA program at UF. Unfortunately, I'm uncertain if I'll be accepted, since I don't have any work experience. I am told, however, that they sometimes take research assistantships as experience. So we will have to see how that goes.
But I am definitely graduating in May. It's actually quite scary. I've been in school since I was 5 -- that's 20 years. I've been in gville for 7 years, almost continuously, save for summber B after my freshman year when I was home and summer B '99 when I was in Rome... studying. I really won't know what to do with myself once I graduate. I've got a good connexion with Honeywell thru Julie, and they will pay for my MBA. So that's a strong possibility.
Anyhoo, I'm rambling now. I think that's enough for Part II. Stay tuned for the next installment.
Posted by josh at August 12, 2004 11:23 PM
Comments
Hey, Honey. Remember those of us who knew you before Mel love you lots!!!! You're just like a second brother.
Posted by: Moriah at August 16, 2004 12:08 PM
Sorry to hear how bad things got; it was for me kind of hard to tell, as infrequently as I saw you. 'Melanie' is from the greek for 'clothed in dark', if that makes you feel better. Now that you're on a posting roll, however, don't stop! Keep posting!
Posted by: Dave at August 18, 2004 01:26 AM
It has been said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." what a bunch of
'malarky.' If it is any concellation.........A Mother's 'Intuition' told me you were too good for her anyway.
Sorry, but that was how I saw it. (had a terrible feeling she was going to be like this :( ) Anyone who hurts my boys is in big trouble with me!
Posted by: Mama Bowers at August 22, 2004 09:12 AM
Hello Mrs. Bowers. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Amazing how you can tell what a horrible person I am just by meeting me a few times, and knowing nothing about me. However, I know that mistakes can happen like that; I thought you were a kind and decent person.
Posted by: Melanie Madrue Woods at September 3, 2004 06:17 PM